Here we go. So, I moved in with him and immediately I knew it was not one of my shining moments. I constantly felt uncomfortable and the trust I had for him disappeared. Even after he asked me to marry him, I could not shake those feelings. Those feelings actually became overwhelming. I really thought if I prayed harder, my attitude would change about the situation. From the outside, it appeared I was in a loving relationship and we were happy and “cute” together. My thought process went along these lines: “I made this decision and I am going to tough it out.” “Everything will work out because I demand it to!” “I expect for whatever I’m involved in to be successful, including this relationship.” “No way am I failing at this, this will work!” I used all of that energy to force smiles and laughs just to save face because I knew I made a bad decision. Instead of wasting the time, walking away and just accepting the situation as an experience and lesson learned, would have been so much easier. Cubic zirconium is not cute for jewelry, nor does it work with my happiness. My goal in life is to be happy..for real! Life is too short to force yourself to be happy in a situation you know is not good for you. In the words of Sweet Brown, “Ain’t nobody got time for that!”
Sunday, June 2, 2013
People force themselves to be happy about situations for reasons that could go on into infinity. From my experience, I’d say the main reasons are: he/she may not have the energy or confidence to get out of that place, a person may be complacent with fake appearances (knowing that their setting sounds and looks good to people looking in… from the outside), and/or because he/she is trying to, as the saying goes, “save face” (knowing a bad decision has been made, and instead of owning it and not giving a #@! about what anyone thinks, that person chooses to try and force the situation to work). For example, I was trying to accept a career choice that had and still has much prestige, status, prominence, you get the idea. I never doubted that I would have excelled in that career choice, but during my pursuit, I knew where my heart’s desire really was. However, I convinced myself that this career was chosen for me and that was the vocation I was supposed to be happy in. It was/is a safe profession with a guaranteed income, so this just had to be the “right” profession for me. I was going to do everything possible to get there. I almost made it, but not quite. I cried, but the tears weren’t shed because I didn’t go as far as I thought I would. I was crying because I would have to tell those close to me, those that were so happy, so proud, and in anticipation of seeing those specials letters behind my name, that the painted picture had to be taken down. I wasn’t crying because my dreams had been derailed. In fact, my dreams were still in tact and had nothing to do with that career I was forcing myself to be a part of. In order for me to come to that realization, I had to get alone and seriously soul search. It wasn’t pretty. It was hurtful. It stung. I felt I wasted time, energy, and money to be “fake happy.” (Go ahead. Use the phrase.) Stay tuned into TamuTalks for Part 2.